Crimson Blue
by Saeth the Wicked
Summary: 2182 CE, the Citadel. John Shepard, 28 years old, works for C-Sec. He lives together with his 22 years old step-sister, Jane Shepard. Jane is a C-Sec Special Division trainee. Their lives are relatively normal, until they realize that there is something more between them than familial love, which leads to conflict. In addition, a strange plot starts to unfold on the Citadel...
1. Prologue - None of my business

**Author's note: **I did not give a detailed description of John or Jane because I assumed that every Mass Effect fan is familiar with the looks of the official Shepards. Though, I imagine Jane a bit younger-looking and with a bit higher pitched voice because of her age in my story.

* * *

**„It's none of my business."**

The loud music filled his head. The usual, rhythmic beating and… additional sounds.  
_Why is this popular in all the clubs?__  
_Well, he wasn't actually fooling around in an ordinary club, but in Purgatory itself.  
The biggest shot on the Presidium with its multiple levels and unique atmosphere. Purple and blue everywhere, decorated by some red spots. Vibrancy. Lots of people, lots of species.  
It didn't take long for his head to start spinning, so right now he was sitting in one of the bars that Purgatory housed.  
_What's the name of it again? ...  
_He looked up one more time. „Blue Heaven."  
_Now that's ironic._  
He sighed. It's probably because of the asari bartenders… which explains why there are so many human males around.

"I can't believe we never came here before," Kiriyama said. "I should be here… all the time."

John quietly snorted.

"Heyyy, look at that sweetie!" Kiriyama jogged him.

John looked at his friend with an untouched expression.

"No, don't look at me, look at her," Kiriyama insisted and pointed his finger at someone on their left side.

John sighed, then looked around. That asari with the pink paint on her face. Again. He looked back with the same expression. Kiriyama shrugged.

"I'll never understand how you can be so… unaffected by asari."

John grinned. He sipped from his drink and turned his head in the opposite direction from the asari.  
There she was. Having fun with her friends; Caroline, the asari Adarenys and the turian Narhus. Well, Jane was certainly better at making friends with aliens than he was. Not that he held any personal grudge against them… he'd just spent less time among them than she had.

"Bah, I'll never have a real shot with asari," Kiriyama whined. "well, maybe with one under a hundred, but that would kinda feel like being a pedophile."

John rolled his eyes at him.

"You see, this is one of the reasons I wish to stay unaffected by asari."

"Then what are you affected by, dude?" Kiriyama asked him. "Aaand by the way…" he pointed at Jane with his head, "could she be affected by… me?"

_Excuse me.  
_John glanced at him with a dismissive expression.

"Whaaat, you don't think I'm her type?"

"How should I know?" he lifted his drink to his mouth. "It's none of my business."

_Right.  
_He knew a lot about Jane, but he never asked about her romantical interests. As far as he knew, she could be after a hanar.  
Though, that wasn't very likely.

"I could try to date quarians," Kiriyama continued his lamentation about not getting laid. "but seriously, who really knows what's under each of those suits? "

"Or you could court a krogan. They don't care that much for brains, as I've heard."

"Screw you, man!" Kiriyama said, then finished his drink.

John shook his head and did the same. As he put down his empty glass, he noticed Adarenys approaching them. She reached them before he could think about fleeing the scene.

"Hey." The Asari leaned on the bar counter. "We are going to dance. Care to join us?"

"Hell yeah." Kiriyama stood up and stared at Adarenys with adoration.

"Have fun." John winked.

Adarenys pleadingly stared at him.

"I don't know if you ever saw me dancing, but you probably don't want to," he added, trying to hit a very persuasive tone.

The Asari rolled her eyes, then turned around. She waved her hand at Jane. John buried his face into his palm.

"Dude, if you want to disappear, get up now," Kiriyama muttered.

But it was already too late. As John looked up, Jane was already there. He stared at her with a sullen expression as she leaned on the counter next to Adarenys.

"Jane, your brother wants to disappear in the crowd again, like the last time," the asari divulged.

"Do we really have to do this?" John asked stolidly before Jane could open her mouth.

As a result, her eyebrows rose, but then she giggled.

"You can spare me wasting my breath if you just stand up and come," she teased her step-brother, "and I know that you don't actually want to just sit here.

_Not HERE and with THEM, that's for sure.  
_John sighed again. As he was trying to avoid eye contact, he caught a glimpse of a hanar passing by behind Jane. He always wondered what the hell a hanar did to amuse itself in a nightclub. Jane's face came closer so he was forced to stop imagining a hanar dance scene.  
He stared for a second at the disturbingly low neckline of the purple dress she was wearing, then he finally looked at her face.  
Her eyes were practically begging him not to ruin the fun.

"Can't I just promise that I'll still be here after you're finished?" he asked reproachfully, but he had already gotten off the barstool.

Adarenys straightened up with a contented expression on her face, then grabbed both Jane's and John's arm and pulled them towards the dancefloor.

"I am going to regret this," John murmured, and he quickly caught Kiriyama's arm and dragged him between himself and the asari. "… Stop grinning like an idiot."


	2. Chapter 1 - Bad influence

**„You have a bad influence on me, really"**

[2182 CE]

Finishing his shift, John Shepard stepped out of the office building located on Zakera Ward. The glowing lights of the area dazzled him for a brief moment, since the pretty much static envinronment of a C-Sec department had numbed his senses in the past few hours.  
He took a deep breath and stretched his arms to regain some of the alertness he had felt like five hours ago, before this particularly dull shift had bored him to tears.  
On the one hand, it was always a relief when no illegal AIs tried to blow up a district, but on the other hand, he felt somehow useless on days like these.  
_At least they pay well for it.  
_He looked around, somewhat more aware of his surroundings.  
Jane was supposed to be around here somewhere. In the morning, she had said she'd have training not far from this office and that she might even have an opportunity to buy a few things in the nearby mall for dinner.

"_We can come home together and I'll cook something nice for a change" she had said, smiling gracefully up at him "we eat enough cafeteria crap too often anyway."_

That was Jane for you. She even cared about her family's eating habits.  
The memory of their short morning conversation brought a smile to his face. The day might eventually have something pleasant in it, aside from staring at status reports or monitoring activity.

He looked around, hoping to spot Jane among the bypassers. Asari, Turians, Humans and, suprisingly, a Quarian walked by, but he couldn't see her anywhere.  
_She might still be around the mall.  
_Before he tried to call her, he decided to check out the route leading to the shopping area. He kind of liked that path anyway because it reminded him of Earth with all the plants and decorations that imitated a natural environment. Not that he had a problem with the Citadel, but it was good to see some green here and there.  
After approximately a minute of walking, a familiar voice reached his ears. He turned his head in the direction it was coming from and quickly spotted a woman with red hair. No one else on the Citadel walked around with that color on their head.  
_Too damn red._  
Jane didn't see him because she was talking to someone, probably one of her friends.  
As he moved closer, he got a better view of them and immediately realized that something was wrong. Judging from her gestures, Jane seemed to be annoyed.  
Altough, knowing her general attitude towards people, she was probably trying really hard not to offend the guy she was talking to.  
_Jane and her generous soul._

The guy was clearly disoriented; the clouded expression on his face and his too-casual stance gave it away. He had light brown hair and he wore the male version of the dark blue training uniform that Jane wore as well, as she always did until she got home and changed into something leisurely.

John got close enough to them to be able to puzzle out what Jane was saying.

"…Mark, you are a really nice guy, but you are not exactly sober right now and even if you were, I'm not really -"

"Oh, come on!" Mark interrupted. "Don't play hard to get. I wasn't proposing, ya know."

"Yes, I caught that." Jane nodded. "Still-"

"Admit that you girls like me," Mark said and he grinned at Jane.

Jane buried her face into her palm.

John's face quickly changed from relaxed to stern.  
Another idiot who wasn't willing to leave Jane alone. And he was damn sure this was not the first time she had politely rejected him.

"I believe she said 'no."

His tone wasn't exactly friendly as his sister's, though it wasn't _exactly _threatening either.  
They both looked up at him, suprised, as he appeared practically out of nowhere. Jane's expression immediately changed from flustered to concerned.  
She knew John was not as polite as she was when it came to drunk morons or any other type of nuisance. She tried to compensate.

"He was just about to-"

"WHAT? "

After a minor time-lag, the drunk guy realized that John was talking to him.

"What…" he repeated provocatively as he straightened up so he could look John in the eyes. "She's your bitch or what? 'Cause it ain't your business, so go to hell."

Without a sign of suprise in his cold blue eyes, John nodded.

"Oh, I see."

Before Jane could interrupt, or Mark had a chance to make another incautious reply, John stepped forward and punched the guy in the face with a well-placed right hook.  
Mark wobbled back a few steps and flailed around with his hand, searching for something to grab. He finally reached a wall, which successfully stopped him from flopping onto the ground.

"She is my sister, by the way. "

A few pedestrians stared at them for a second, but they quickly decided to proceed.  
John blinked at Jane. She was staring at him with an expression on her face that signaled something like_ Please don't hit him again. _Since he didn't want to stress her even more, he decided not to continue the education.  
Meanwhile, Mark just stood at the wall and seemed to be trying to adapt to the situation.

"I'm glad we understand each other," said John in a diplomatic tone, then grabbed Jane's shoulder and pulled her in the direction he'd come from.

"Thanks, I guess," Jane muttered. She wasn't overly fond of unnecessary violence, but her definition of unnecessary is different from his.

"Any time. " John nodded.  
He glanced back over his shoulder to be sure that Mark was not trying to follow them. He did that just in time to get a nice view at Mark's rapidly approaching fist.  
Sadly, the next millisecond, it hit the back of his head strongly enough to cause a short blackout.

* * *

_He's ten years old, sitting outside the house.  
The grass is green all around and the air is filled with the scent of wood. The sun fights its way between two clouds and casts its light on a little red-haired head in front of him.  
The voice of his new mother reaches him from behind.  
"They seem to be getting along well… though, I never doubted that they would…"  
A pair of shining green eyes stare at him.  
Enough of sitting.  
He leans forward and grabs her hand.  
"Come on Jane. I'll show you Grunt."  
"Gruuunt?" Her mouth stays open as she stands up.  
"Granny's oldest dog. He's huge! You'll like him."  
They start to walk towards the house, holding hands.  
She trips over a fallen branch, but he catches her before she falls on the ground.  
"Hey, watch where you step!"  
She's laughing as she straightens up as if she's having fun.  
"Sheesh… father was right. You really need someone to look after you."  
He shakes his head and bends down so he can look her in the eyes.  
"It's okay. I'm your new brother for a reason! I'll protect you. All the time."  
She's smiling again, then grabs his hand and draws him towards the house.  
"Brother! Show meee Grunt!" _

* * *

_Why am I hugging a tree?  
_This was the first question that crossed his mind as his eyesight came back. The second involved the current date… among other things. As his ears started to function again, the memories of the last few minutes came back to his mind. He immediately knew how he'd gotten acquainted so closely with the only real tree in a twenty-meter radius.

"Now get the hell out of here before I decide to throw you off this level!"

_Jane? Yes, that is definitely Jane's voice._  
He turned around as quickly as his throbbing head allowed him to.  
Mark was still there. But he was at the wall again and his nose was bleeding this time. And Jane… Jane was glowing. It didn't take him long to realize that she was covered in her blue biotic aura.  
Mark surely realized it as well, because this time he took the advice and walked away quickly without uttering one single word.  
The glowing faded away and Jane turned around. Her face was a mixture of anger and distress.

"Goddammit, John!" she yelled at him and grabbed his hands.  
The few bypassers were all looking at them anyway.

"It's… oookay, I'm okay," he muttered and started to blink rapidly so that the world might stop spinning.  
It actually did after a few seconds.

"The hell you are! " Jane yelled again, somewhat quieter. "You were leaning on that tree motionless for almost half a minute!"

"Half… a minute?" he repeated and looked around.  
Their bags were on the ground, but nothing else indicated that something had happened. At least no one was staring at them anymore.

"What… were you doing for half a minute?" He turned to Jane.

Jane let go of him with her left hand. She seemed to be calming down.

"I… punched him." She looked away. "I didn't hit him hard, but I think I accidentally used my biotics… so I might have broke his nose, I don't know.

John couldn't help but grin.  
_Jane breaking someone's nose. Now that's not everyday stuff._

"It's not funny, goddammit! " she scolded him and let go of his other hand as well. "I just wanted him to go away."

"Well, he did."

"Yeah, after I told him that I never want to see him on the streets again… and threatened to use a throw on him."

"You are really lovely when you're threatening people."

Jane stared at him resignedly, her mouth half-open.  
He stepped forward and closed her rosy-red lips by pressing her jaw from underneath with two fingers.

"Well, not like that," he added, still grinning.

"Goddammit John," she swore again, but her face twitched as if she wanted to smile. She grabbed John's hand on her jaw and placed her other hand on the back of his head.

"So I assume you are alright and we can go home without you punching anyone else on the way?"

John's grin disappeared and deep sadness replaced it.  
"Why are you so hard on me?" he asked petulantly. "I just saved you from a molester!"

Jane rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, and I had to finish what you started."

"Admit it, without me, you'd be still wasting your breath on him."

She sighed and slowly shook her head. Then, for some reason, she blushed.  
_She's cute when she blushes._

"You have a bad influence on me, really," she muttered and let go of him with both hands, then picked John's bag off the ground and handed it to him.  
She seemed to be suddenly pondering on something.

John took his bag and picked up Jane's as well before she could reach it, then he lifted both of them over his left shoulder.

"Nah, I'm just looking after you, as I promised."

Jane sighed, then hooked on his right hand and pulled him towards the public transport station.

"Then you should practice it, 'cause you're not very good at it…"


	3. Chapter 2 - Garden of Memories

**Author's note: **This chapter is pretty long /though it's not_ that_ long/ because of the amount of the background information I incorporated into it. I felt it necessary, so that the relationship between John and Jane can be more realistic. Also, it contains some seemingly unimportant details, which will have something to do with the plot on the Citadel that will unfold in later chapters.

* * *

**„You know me… and I'm here."**

"Lights on," Jane said as she stepped into the apartment.  
As a result, the whole living room and kitchen lightened up. At first, only in a soft, dim way, then a few seconds later everything was shining in the bright white lights.  
Through the gaps of the metal shutter on the huge window, the streets of Zakera Ward could be observed from the fourth floor. The vibrant lights of the area were outnumbered by the inner lamps at that moment and everything was perfectly quiet.

Jane immediately ran to the bathroom next to the kitchen, so John was the one who closed the door and turned the doorbell off as well. They weren't expecting anyone and he really didn't fancy someone suddenly visiting them that night. He had enough of people for that day.  
He walked to the black leather couch in front of the wall that separated the hall area from the TV and the mini-bar and put both bags down on it. After a few seconds of observing the contents of Jane's stuffed bag, he sat down beside it and looked out the window.  
He could see groups of people walking and standing around on the opposite side of the street, which mostly consisted of multi-storage shops.

* * *

_He is sixteen. She is only ten.  
They are setting foot on Zakera Ward for the first time in their lives. A mixture of awe and fear settles his mind. So beautiful, yet so foreign. He might get used to the place quickly, but the people…  
Jane seems to be amazed. Her eyes are filled with happiness and she's staring at every bypassing alien with admiration.  
He holds her hand tight and continues to walk in silence.  
"Mom!" Jane turns to her right where mother is walking together with father. "Can I make friends with aliens here?"  
Mother looks down at her and smiles.  
"Of course you can. We just have to settle in."  
Settle in… it's all about settling in.  
Is it?  
"John?"  
He looks down and his eyes meet with Jane's. She seems somewhat worried.  
"Yes?"  
"You don't like it here?"  
"Oh… I do," he assures her and forces a faint smile on his face. "I just… it's different. And we don't know anyone here yet."  
She looks puzzled. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything, now he might ruin her mood.  
"You know me," she smiles up at him. "And I'm here."_

_His smile changes for a moment. It's more honest.  
"You're right… And I'll be here as well."  
She grabs his arm with her other hand as well, sticking close to him.  
A warm feeling replaces some of the fear in him. It might not be that bad after all. _

* * *

The Citadel. The place that has been his home for twelve years already, though for five years it had been just a place that he'd visited every few months.  
An ironic smile came to his face as he remembered his twenty years old self.

At that time, he had thought it would be best for him to get away from everyone and lead an entirely different lifestyle at different places. He had every reason to think that.  
After all, he had finished tech school and military training, and his father was – and still is – the commanding officer of the Alliance cruiser Warsaw. Who was to be a good role model for him that time if not his father?  
Jane's mother – the woman he respected and loved as his own mother as well – was in a good position at C-Sec. He could have had a job there as well if he had really wanted, but the Alliance seemed to be the better choice. He just wanted to leave the Citadel behind for a while.  
The only thing he didn't want to leave was Jane.  
She was only fourteen back then, yet she provided the motivation for everything in his life. She had worked very hard on every field of her life; in school, at home, among her friends…  
_Friends.  
_Unlike him, she had some real ones. He just hanged around with people from time to time, but he could hardly call them more than pals. But Jane had a few close friends, mostly aliens. She had no hardship getting along with other species. It might have had something to do with her being a biotic. She hadn't have her implants yet, but it was only a matter of time. Back on Earth, she would have been treated as a weird mutant – humanity did not get accustomed to biotics yet – but on the Citadel, she was accepted by her environment. Her education was better there than what it could have been in human territory, because here they had the suitable professionals available.  
But for him, the most important thing was the fact that she was happy. She had inspired him to work just as hard as she did, so he could live up to his father one day. She wasn't just his step-sister; she was his best friend as well. The dearest thing in his life.

He could tell her anything and she would listen, then comfort him. As he recollected, he realized she was so mature for her age even back then.  
Sure, their parents always had treated them as grown-ups from an early age – what else can you expect from a military officer and a C-Sec investigator? – but she could have had developed into the exact opposite direction… as he almost had.

During their first year on the Citadel, he didn't really care about anything. He was bad at everything, didn't study properly and got into trouble almost every week.  
And then, that had changed, thanks to Jane.  
One day, she yelled at him. Asked him why he was so strange and blamed herself for his wretchedness.  
_She was only eleven when she did that._

He was shocked. It took a lot more than a couple of minutes to calm her down.  
From there on, he had swore not to let her down ever again.

She was so worried when he enlisted. Kept saying how dangerous it is to be a soldier and how far away he'll be all the time. She made him promise to send a vid-message at least once a week. In the beginning, he had sent even three sometimes.

He got used to military life rather quickly and he'd become a good soldier.  
As an infiltrator, he wasn't thrown into the front lines, but that had never meant that he would not see and do brutal things.  
He had shot a lot of slavers, and sometimes he'd enjoyed doing so.  
He was part of the assault on the criminal bases on Torfan. Got his first gun-shot wound there; a bullet in his left hand. What had happened there… he'd fought until the last batarian had fallen. He felt as if he made a difference in the galaxy, for good. He knew he didn't just kill a lot that day, but he saved people as well; people who would have been attacked by those criminals if he and the other Alliance soldiers had not killed them.  
Still, it took weeks to forget about the piles of burning corpses.

As he had moved up in rank, things got more rough.  
He had no problem with fighting and risking his life, but what he had faced from time to time was demoralizing. It seemed as if there were more forces keeping him from doing his job than what actually helped him. And that wasn't the only thing that had bothered him.  
He respected his fellow marines and he was respected as well, but he didn't really get what he expected. He never felt as a real part of the team.  
Not that he cared that much about fitting in anywhere, but he had thought, that among humans, he'd feel more… content.  
Yet he didn't.  
He have had affairs with some women on shore leaves, but that kind of thing didn't really satisfy him. He wasn't looking for anything serious of course, since he was a young soldier. Actually, he never met anyone in the Alliance that he could have taken seriously. Those affairs fulfilled the purpose they had to, yet… he had felt somewhat troubled.

His whole life was troubled, but he never told that to anyone. Not even Jane. She had her own problems those years anyway, and he didn't want to worry her with his own messed-up bullshit anyway. Instead, he had tried to visit her more often and answered her vid-mails as soon as he could.  
She was so eager throughout those years, yet never hasty. She had got her implants and started her biotic training at last. She was so skillful and he was so proud of her.  
She had never complained about anything, though he was sure that her life is not even close to easy. He could see the dark shadows under her eyes from time to time. She was working her ass off all along. He had felt terrible sometimes for not being there with her.

And then one day, he got fed-up with the Alliance.  
During one of their patrols near the Terminus Systems, they had found a frigate that appeared intact, but derelict.  
It could not be identified, so they decided to investigate the vessel. He and two other soldiers boarded the ship. There was nothing unusual about the ship itself, but what was on board had given him a headache. On their way to the bridge, they found several heavily-sealed metal crates and five armored corpse; one salarian and four human. In spite of his hacking expertise, they were unable to identify basically anything on the frigate. He'd observed one of the huge metal crates; he would have sworn that he heard something moving in it.  
But he never got to see what was inside it.  
He called for reinforcements and asked for permission to take control of the frigate, so they might dock somewhere and perform a full investigation. He deemed it too dangerous to do that on the edge of the Terminus and something felt wrong about the whole ship anyway.  
Instead of reinforcements, twenty minutes later a large black ops team arrived and took over the whole operation.  
They thanked them for their cautious conduct, asked them not to worry, then they got sent back to their ship. There, they signed a classified report about basically nothing, and that was it. He never even found a trace of the whole thing since then.

That mission, coupled with the fact that nothing he cared for tied him to the Alliance had led him to the decision he made three years ago.  
He quietly resigned from his post and caught a ship back to the Citadel. It was an easy leave; the Captain probably realized what was going on with him, yet he told John that he'll be back one day. He'd replied nothing to that statement.  
Also, he knew that Jane had been under a lot of pressure that time; their mother got promoted again and she had started to work even more than before. Their father only visited once in every two months. Life suddenly had fallen on Jane when she was in the hardest part of her special training, and she had no one there to look after her. That had made him even more eager to return to the Citadel. He didn't want to see the dearest person in his life cripple under the responsibilities placed on her.

Jane was so damn happy when he stepped out of the shuttle.  
She'd hugged him for minutes… then she started asking questions. She wouldn't let him alone until he told her the reason for his resignation, so he made up a story about a cruel Commander who hated and harassed him. He had a hunch that she never actually believed anything of it, but she stopped asking about it afterwards. That was one of the many things he loved about Jane: she knew when to leave him alone.  
_She doesn't have to do that often…_

He had got a job on Zakera Ward within a week. He joined the Network Division of C-Sec, and quickly proved himself to be very useful in front of a monitor and on the streets as well. Within a year, he became the head of a relatively small but professional team, which, aside from taking care of regular tasks, was responsible for finding and terminating every illegal robot, VI and AI that managed to get on the Ward.

During the same year, Jane had passed her first biotic exams. She got excellent evaluations; she proved to be an exceptionally talented biotic among humans. She got her entry into C-Sec Academy and became part of a specialized training program from there on.  
She was happy about her achievement, yet something had bothered her.

"Mother told me that if I do this right," she'd said, "I won't just become a member of the Special Response Division at the end, but I'll help to create a… better image of humans in C-Sec and in the whole Galactic Community. Though, I think she was over-exaggerating the last part."

John saw how puzzled she was, so he'd tried to ease her up.

"Well, I have to be careful then," he said. "You might just surpass me in every way while I'm busy blowing up terrorist robots… wait. You already did."

"Oh come on John, I still have years of training and field practice ahead of me. I might just fail or give up during the first year."

"You won't." He rubbed her head. "I know you'll pull it off and make everyone jealous. I'm already damn proud to call you my sister."

"Oookay, stop praising me, brother." She hugged him. "I couldn't have achieved any of this without you being there for me all the time."

"Thanks," he murmured and placed his palms on her shoulder. "That means a lot."

_Brother. Sister._

Jane had grown into a beautiful woman.  
She was his step-sister, of course, so he viewed her beauty as something that would not affect him… yet sometimes, he felt the word _brother_ weighing down on his shoulders.  
_A strange burden to carry._

"Bah, too much juice."

Jane's voice tore John out of his garden of important memories and shoved him right back on the couch in the middle of the living room. He didn't notice when she came out of the bathroom and sat down next to him.

"Excuse me?" He looked at her a bit bemused.

She noticed his disorientation and slowly blinked, awaiting his reaction.  
John looked back at the window and straightened up a bit.

"Sorry, I was just thinking."

"What about?"

"About… your birthday present."

"Oh!" she lightened up. "But that's still two weeks ahead. You can't be that bad at picking presents."

He glanced at her as if he was offended.

"Thanks! It didn't cross your mind, that maybe, I just want to figure out something really special?" he asked her sarcastically. "After all, how old will you be? Forty?"

Instead of huffily fulminating against that age assumption, she casually leaned back on the couch and smiled at John.

"I hope I'll look this good when I'm forty."

"Of course you will. You know, gene therapy."

"Well, you'll be an old geezer by that time anyway," she said, then giggled. "At least one of us will have to look good."

"I feel like and old geezer already, thanks," John said, staring at the floor.

"Says the guy who's only twenty-eight yet." Jane rolled her eyes.

"My father already held me in his arms when he was this old… "

It was strange for him to think about it. He'd never even considered the idea of starting his own family yet. His future plans did not incorporate such things either. He didn't even really have future plans…  
Most of the time, he'd felt as if he doesn't even want to have his own family at all.  
Not that he could have it anyway.

* * *

_He is sitting in front of an Alliance doctor. Her name tage says „Chakwas."  
Interesting name.  
"So, John Shepard, right?"  
He nods.  
"Great. Your physical evaluations are excellent and your final tests did not turn up anything that could possibly stand between you and military life. You are ready for the Alliance."  
He nods again.  
"There is one thing though… " she looks at him.  
His body freezes for a second.  
"What?"  
"One of the tissue-sample tests produced a side result that you might be interested in."  
"I'm listening."  
"You are sterile."  
He's not sure he heard it right.  
"… Sterile?"_

"_Yes." She looks at him commiseratingly. "It means your sperms aren't capable of… fertilizing."  
"Oh… oh," he sighs, "I thought it was something… worse."  
She stares at him as if she misunderstood him.  
"Well, this… medical condition is one of the very rare, yet possible side-effects of the gene-therapy that every Alliance recruit receives. Less than one in a thousand, really, but the risk is there. Sadly, you are that one in a thousand."  
He's silent. Doesn't really know what to say about it.  
"It might be reversible. There is one kind of treatment that can help, if-"  
"I'll think about it, thank you."  
Chakwas nods. She gets the message.  
"Okay. Then if you have no further questions, you can go."  
He stands up, nods, then leaves._

* * *

"Eh, uh… John, you have more than enough time for that." Jane leaned forward.

Sometimes he forgot that he had told Jane about his „medical condition". For what reason, he still didn't know. She was the only one who knew about it. Guess he just needed to tell someone, so he could stop lamenting on whether he should try that treatment or not.  
Well, he did not so far. And he probably won't.  
_Ever._

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, Mom." John smiled at her.

"Mom, huh?" she stood up, then sat on the coffee table instead, in front of him. "Well, my dear son, I just know that you are hiding your pretty bride from me, waiting for the right moment to reveal her! Is she an asari?" She waved her index finger in his face and laughed.  
_Her laugh seems to be a bit… nervous?_

John snorted.  
"Nooo, Mom, actually she's a vorcha. But she's a bit nervous around humans, so I play it slow."

Jane gazed at him dumbfounded. Then she laughed even louder.  
"My next tip would have been a salarian, but I have to admit, you beat me."

"Please, I'm always better at bullshitting."

Jane shook her head and crossed her legs.

"But seriously," she said, "I can't believe you haven't had a decent girlfriend since you came back."

"I keep them in the wardrobe, princess," John muttered.

"Even if you did, I still wouldn't call that decent."

"How'd you know I don't?"

"My dear brother, although sometimes your methods of dealing with people are indeed a little extreme, you never give a serious answer when it comes to this topic."

"Then maybe we should talk about you," John proposed. "How many turians have already asked you to marry them?"

"Turians?!" Jane hollered. Then, she closed her mouth and gazed at the ceiling for a few seconds. "Maybe a turian would be a better choice than a human… but ah, no."

"And you realized this after you already had like twenty human boyfriends?" asked John ironically and looked out the window.

"That twenty was three," Jane reckoned, "and yes, it would seem that I realize certain things… too late."

John frowned and he felt a strange pull in his guts as he glanced at Jane. She blushed and it was her turn to look at the window.  
Then, suddenly, John's stomach emitted a loud noise.

"I'm starving!" Jane exclaimed and she jumped off the coffee table. "Thanks for reminding me." She grabbed her bag. "I need to prepare dinner while these are still fresh."

"You can buy fresh groceries on the Citadel?" asked John, quickly using the opportunity to forget the previous topic.

"Agricultural development, John," Jane said as she turned towards the kitchen.

"Need me to help?" John stood up.

"Oh please, I wish to produce something edible," she teased him, imitating the accent of a French master chef. "You can just sit there and think about your precious present for me."

And so she walked into the kitchen.

"I am terribly sorry, madam," he shouted after her, "in that case, I'll go and take a shower until your mighty meal is ready."

A banana flew out of the kitchen and landed at his feet as an answer.

"You need more target practice!" he said and grabbed the banana. Shortly, an orange encompassed by a biotic field followed it. Than one hit him, right on his chest.

"Okay, okay! I yield!" He laughed and rubbed the spot where the orange hit.

He carried both fruits to the counter. Jane was washing something at the sink as if nothing had happened.

"And she's turning twenty-three next month! Who would tell?" he said and quickly approached the staircase before some vegetables could have started targeting him as well.

Upstairs, John went right into his room which was located next to the stairs.  
His room was comfortably large. Roughly in front of the door, next to the main wall laid a double bed. In the middle of the other, longer wall was the huge window, which he kept covered most of the time. To the left there were two wooden wardrobes. His desk, together with his private terminal stood next to the window, in the corner. The only decoration he had was a large green plant standing next to his desk.

He stepped to his bed and looked at the green bedding.  
He didn't really like that linen, but he had bought it in a hurry after all.  
The deep-blue set he had thrown out two years ago had fitted his taste more.  
He had this idea that he might enjoy the company of asari more than the company of his own species. So, one night, he'd ended up with a nearly two hundred years old asari in his bed. There were no problems with the physical part, though his nerves had felt messed up after that merging thing that asari do. The other side of the story…  
It just didn't work out.  
He'd felt so wrong after it that he couldn't even sit back on the same sheet on the following day. So, he'd just pulled off the bedclothes and threw the whole thing out. Then, before going to work, he had bought this set of green linen.  
It was still better than the one with sparkling flowers on it.  
He had actually wondered those days if he went nuts or something.

He took his uniform and underwear off, then he grabbed his towel and walked straight into the bathroom that was located right next to his room. Luckily, he and Jane had their own bathrooms; he probably wouldn't be able to find his own shampoo among the numerous bottles of scented liquor Jane had. Not to mention her collection of exotic-smelling soaps.  
He took a long, refreshing shower, then he laid on his bed for a few minutes, wrapped in his towel.  
When the smell of steak entered his room, he dressed up in his favourite black slacks and a grey tank top.

"What is this heavenly smell?" he asked loudly, standing on the top of the staircase. Since no answer came from the kitchen, he slowly walked down.  
As he arrived downstairs, Jane appeared at the dining table. She started to carefully position the plates and the cutlery. John walked into the kitchen barefoot and stood beside her.  
The steak was frying in a pan, soaked in some kind of delicious-looking sauce. A plate of freshly cooked potatoes and a bowl of salad was already placed in the middle of the table.  
John almost started drooling.

"The dinner is almost ready, Sir," Jane said as she turned to him, using the French chef voice again. "In the remaining five minutes, please refrain from touching anything."

"I do not wish to ruin your work, I assure you," John replied and leaned on the counter.

He watched her step to the stove and observed how she turned the steak on its other side.

"So, how was your day?" Jane asked in her own voice, then she stepped to the fridge and started to search for something in it.

"Dull, mostly, " John said, "we received a call about some trouble around a storage building on the edge of Sector Five. At first, we thought it was that guy again who had sold illegal mechs in the same area a few months ago, but it turned out that the parade was caused by some goddamn merchant's VI that malfunctioned while it was cataloguing a shipment of used ship-parts. It was flashing in different colors and it constantly chanted error messages. The poor idiot didn't know what to do with it."

"I hope you helped him or her at least," Jane said as she looked at John with a bottle of orange juice in her hand. "Was it a volus?"

"Nope." John grinned. "It was a hanar."

"You're kidding me," Jane said and chuckled.

"I'm utterly serious. He kept rambling something about the Enkindlers until we finally shut the VI down. I think it was hacked, so I'll have to check it out later. Anyway, without that hanar, I would have probably fallen asleep today. Routine checks aaaall day… Your day must have been way more exciting."

"Yeah," Jane said and she placed the juice bottle on the table, then she stepped back to the stove. "Throwing stuff at each other and running around is much better."

"Why do I detect sarcasm in your voice?"

"No, I actually kind of enjoy it. But field practice is way more… occupying."

She took every piece of meat out of the pan and placed them on a round plate.

"Turn off the stove, not like last time," John warned her.

Jane glanced at him with greed.

"Oookay, that was an accident and I was tired."

"Of course, I was just cautious," John said, "And the living room looks better without a cloud of smoke."

Jane sighed and turned the damn stove off.


	4. Chapter 3 - Bound to get hurt

**„I was bound to get hurt one day!"**

They sat down and filled their plates with every edible thing available.

"Jane, I'd probably die because of my own cooking without you," John said after he had swallowed the first bite. "You are awesome."

Jane smiled at him, then she swallowed the huge bite of potato she had in her mouth.

"You don't cook that bad," she said, "you just didn't receive cooking lessons."

"Yeah well, you're at an advantage. Father said once that you cook as good as my mother… as she used to."

Jane stopped gnawing for a second.

"Do I?" she asked, gazing at John.

"I don't know." John shrugged. "I wasn't old enough… and I don't think she cooked that often anyway."

He had lived with his biological mother until he was five years old. Then, she had died in a lab accident.  
Period.

"Of course," Jane said and she proceeded on eating.

They spent the rest of the dinner chatting about everyday matters and the krogan plushies Jande had encountered in one of the shops.

After half an hour, most of the food disappeared from the table, but Jane saved a portion for her mother and put it away.

"I'll fill the dishwasher and clean up," John said, "you just go and take a shower yourself."

"Thanks," said Jane as she stood up. "Don't break anything."

"These plates are made of nearly unbreakable-"

"Not for me." She giggled, then left the kitchen.

"And they say I'm dangerous…"

John cleaned up the kitchen in less than five minutes, then he went to his room to check his mails.

He was staring at a pistol-mod advertisement when Jane entered his room.

"Yes… he's here too. I cooked something nice, we left some for you, it's in the fridge… Yes… yes. Okay. I got it. Bye."

She clicked her comm and took a deep breath as she sat on the edge of John's bed.

"Mother isn't coming home for at least twelve hours more. There was some ugly accident on Shalta Ward, Sector Nine and they have to finish the scene investigation within ten hours."

"Crap," John said and closed the ad, then turned towards Jane. "Ten hours?"

"Yeah… and they have dozens of eye-witnesses as well."

"Poor mother."

"I think she actually enjoys working this much," Jane said and let her comm slide out of her hand onto the dark green blanket. "She always sounds calm and content."

"She had time to get used to it," said John as he looked at his window, which was covered by the shutters at the moment.  
Jane looked in the same direction.

"Why do you keep the shutters closed all the time?" she asked him. "We have the privilege of having windows, and you never even use it."

She stood up and went to the wall console to open up the shutters.

"I don't even notice it." John shrugged.

"Yeah, you'll just get depressed one day. Everybody should have windows, but a lot of people don't."

"You really appreciate all the little things, do you?" John asked.

Jane pressed a button, and the shutter opened up a bit, leaving a few centimeters of space between each metal plate.

"Why wouldn't I?" she asked. "There are a lot of little things to appreciate. For example, right now, I'm going to enjoy a shower."

True to her words, she walked out of his room, so he was left alone with his newly discovered window. He'd never cared that much about windows at all, just stared at them from time to time when he was thinking about something. Thus, the window was merely an object of diversion from reality.  
He simply sat in his chair for a while, then turned back to his desk and checked the rest of his mails. He found nothing important, so he shut down his terminal, then he stood up and left his room.

The upper-level hallway was actually a huge balcony, stretching all the way from his room to Jane's. He could observe the whole living room from there.  
He leaned on the banister and took a deep breath.  
He felt somewhat uneasy. He could not explain why, since nothing significant had happened that day.  
_Punching a drunk guy in the face doesn't count.  
_Maybe that was the problem itself; that nothing significant happened. In that case, he didn't know what he was waiting for.  
While he was standing there, wondering, he heard the sound of flowing water.

* * *

_He finishes his twenty hour shift, then arrives home, tired as hell.  
He's supposed to be alone, so he just climbs upstairs without saying a word. As he reaches his room, he hears the sound of flowing water from Jane's bathroom.  
He freezes. Jane should not be home yet. But it has to be her. Who else would it be? He slowly walks towards Jane's room.  
The bathroom door is open. Jane does not usually shower with the door opened.  
He steps closer.  
It's Jane. Who did he expect to be there?  
Something is wrong.  
Jane is leaning against the metal panel of the shower, facing the wall, so she can't see him. Water flows down on her body. She doesn't move for seconds. Then, her shoulder shakes and she reaches out and pushes her palm against the glass door. He can hear her crying.  
He tears his eyes away from her body and quietly retreats back to the lower level as if nothing happened.  
Jane exits the shower ten minutes later and notices him downstairs. She greets him, then joins him another ten minutes later.  
He asks her about her day.  
"After training, I met up with Dylan," she says.  
Dylan. That guy she is dating.  
"We had a snack together and then we went to their place… they have a nice apartment."  
"You came home a bit early though," John says.  
"Yeah, Dylan… had stuff to do, so I left."  
He nods. Doesn't dwell on the subject more. Neither does she.  
They never get involved in each other's love affairs.  
She stops dating Dylan that week. He never asks about it._

* * *

John stood on the balcony for minutes, trying to clear his head of basically everything. He felt as if he was missing something, but he couldn't grasp what it was.  
_You just have this feeling from time to time, that emptiness in your soul that's driving you crazy and you can't do anything about it. Then, sometimes it just disappears by itself. Sometimes, it lingers there in the back of your mind._

Finally, John turned around and walked into his room. He looked at his window and decided to leave it as it was.  
_Who knows, it might be better to sleep that way.  
_He threw himself on his bed and stared at the dark ceiling, waiting for the fatigue to kick in. After five minutes, he rolled on his right side and his hand landed on something small that was not supposed to be in his bed. He grabbed it.  
Jane's comm. She had left it there after she had that call from mother.  
He sighed and stood up with the comm in his hand, and walked to Jane's room. The door was opened and it was dark inside, so he assumed that Jane was still in the bathroom.  
He stepped in and turned on the lights. He had to twinkle for a moment, then he looked to the left and almost dropped the comm.

Jane was standing in front of her wall mirror, wrapped in her white towel. Her hair was wet.  
The disturbing part was the big, blue and purple bruise on her shoulder-blade.  
This would have been enough for him already, but as his eye wandered on Jane's reflection in the mirror, he discovered another, smaller bruise on her left upper arm.

Jane stared at him for a second, then she quickly turned around and covered the bruise on her arm with her right palm. She had realized it was too late, but tried to act natural anyway. She spotted her comm in John's hand.

"Thanks," she said, "I didn't even realize that it wasn't here." She gazed at him with bewildered eyes.

John's face twitched. He put the comm down on Jane's desk, then slowly walked to her. He could have sworn that Jane was running scenarios in her head on how she could disappear from the room.  
_Why is she standing there motionless? Is she afraid?  
_He relaxed his face and gently moved her palm off the bruise. He could feel her warm breath on his neck. Jane was staring at his shoulder.

"Who did this to you?" John asked in a soft tone, careful not to sound angry.

Jane glanced at him, then looked down on the floor.

"Jane?"

She sighed and pressed her lips into a thin line before she decided to answer.

"There's a turian in our training unit," she said. "He got transferred to us two months ago. He really hates humans."

She peeked up at him again. He slowly nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"Yesterday, I was his match in hand-to-hand combat training. As you can see, he didn't hold back. But, in the end, it was a draw, so he wasn't that happy…"

John unwittingly clenched his fist. He glanced at the wall and took a deep breath.

"And you… reported this to your training officer, right?" John asked.

Jane bote her lips. John's eyes widened.

"No, I… didn't want to give him the satisfaction," she said as she shrugged.

"He broke the boundaries of simple hand-to-hand training. And he could have broken your ribs too, for God's sake!"

"Well, he didn't."

"Well, next time he does something like this, I'm surely going to break both of his arms."

"He won't have the opportunity," said Jane and she finally looked into John's eyes. "Captain Aola noticed what he was doing, so she organized his transfer to a different, purely turian team."

"Did Aola at least file a report on his behaviour?" asked John.

"No, because I asked her not to. He must have a reason for hating humans and if I just add to that reason, he'll never change his mind."

"Sure, reason," John snorted, "so he just got away with the whole thing?"

"I don't care!" Jane cried out. "I won't have to meet him from now on, that's what matters! And I'm not a child anymore, dammit! I was bound to get hurt one day!"

It was John's turn to look bewildered.  
He closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down.  
_Overreacting. That is not healthy._

"I'm… sorry," he mumbled. "I just… I'm your brother goddammit, and-"

"No, I'm sorry," Jane interrupted, then she suddenly hugged John. "Father isn't here, mother isn't really here either… I appreciate that you are here, taking care of everything that normally they should… really, John."

John just stood there like an idiot for long seconds, making multiple attempts to comprehend the situation. Then, he just gave up and slowly hugged Jane back.

"I mean," Jane continued, "I have everything I need, really, and they are great parents who took care of us, only…"

She sighed and realized that her wet hair is soaking John's shirt, so she peeled herself off him.  
John didn't even really notice Jane's wet hair.

"Only…?"

"Only… only they don't really listen. Sure, they ask me how things are going, but they seem to be only interested in the… the bald statement of facts. But you… you listen."

Jane flushed a bit, as if she had said something embarassing. She looked down at her fingers and started to twiddle with them.  
_She's so cute when she flushes._

"I know what you're talking about," said John after a few seconds of awkward silence. "I used to have the same feeling. About father and mother, I mean."

"Y-yeah," Jane stuttered. "I'm not… sad about it, or anything, 'cause you… So, you are here and you do actually care about me. I couldn't ask for more…"

_More? For what?  
More…_

For some reason, John suddenly felt as if someone was slowly sticking needles into his nape.

"But… I just don't want to become a burden to you," said Jane. "You have enough burdens anyway."

John managed to stop the invisible force from sticking more needles into him.

"You'll never become a burden to me, Jane," he said. "You can tell me whatever you wish to or whatever troubles you. I won't outright kill anyone because you mentioned that you had a quarrel or something."

Jane chuckled as John wryly smiled at her.

"I know," she said, "I… I know."

"Well, I might break a few limbs, but nothing serious," John added.

Jane laughed again, then she looked at her mirror reflection.

"Well, I actually have something to tell you," said she.

John's smile disappeared.

"What?"

"Captain Aola insisted that I use some kind of ugly green gel, which quickly heals any bruise I might have… the problem is that I can't reach that part of my back."

John had to stare at the ceiling for a few seconds before reacting.

"Damn it girl, stop giving me heart attacks," he said, playfully scolding Jane.

Jane giggled like a five years old and took a small plastic container from her desk.

"Here, if you'd be so kind," said she.

"Sure."

_Wait… Scratch that._

She turned her back on him and wiped the water off her upper body using the towel wrapped around her.  
John opened the container and dipped his fingers into the cold, medi-gel kind of thing.  
_Why does this kind of stuff still need physical contact?  
_He started to spread it over Jane's awful-looking bruise.

"Does it hurt?" he asked.

"No, it's… it's okay. It just shows."

"That it does…"

He took some more gel and then stared at Jane's back.

"If you could… lower the towel a bit, please," he said, "because it covers a part of the bruise."

"Oh, of course," she said and loosened the towel a bit, so it slipped down, near the edge of her hips.

John forgot to continue what he started.

"Is it okay like this?" Jane asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Yes, sure," he replied quickly and spread the second dose of gel on the bruise.

He noticed that Jane's skin was really soft. He never really cared about that before.  
It must have been the secret of one of her exotic soaps.  
Suddenly, her skin became goosebumpy.

"It's cold," she mumbled.

_It's not that cold…_

"Sorry," John apologized. "It's almost done."

He realized that he was rubbing the gel in too slowly.  
He also realized that the situation aroused him and that he wanted to get out of Jane's room.  
_Quickly._

"Done," he said as he took a step back.

"Thanks," said Jane and pulled the towel back where it was. Then, she turned around and took the gel container from John. He glanced at the other bruise on her arm.

"I'll take care of this one," Jane said. "You must be tired. Is your head okay? You look pale."

_Pale?_

"Of course," said John. His expression was a bit bemused. "You didn't really think that a hit like that would cause anything… permanent? Be more concerned about yourself."

"Okay, okay. Chill out, brother."

_Brother._

She rubbed his head with her fingers. He noticed that her cheeks were still red.

"Well then," said John, "goodnight. I-If you'll sleep in the near future."

"I will," Jane said, then she walked to her bed and sat down on the purple blanket. "Sweet dreams for you, John."

"Thanks."  
_Sweet dreams, huh?_

John walked out of the room and closed the door behind himself.  
Outside, he stared at the livingroom window until he reached his own room. He was disturbed by his own thoughts. Good thing that those windows were around everywhere. He could just stare at them whenever he didn't want to look at anything else.

He tore his soaked tank top off and threw it on his chair, then he collapsed on his bed. He didn't even bother to climb under the blanket. Those blankets were just for show anyway, it was always warm enough in his room.  
That empty feeling came back again and it hammered his brain into the pillow. He buried his face into his palm, which smelled of medi-gel. He forgot to wash it off.  
_Duh…  
_He laid there, clenching his teeth for twenty minutes, until his body finally shut itself down.


	5. Chapter 4 - No turning back

**Author's Warning:** If any kind of incest disturbs you, then do not read this chapter.

* * *

**„Is there… something you need to tell me?"**

_He was standing in the middle of the street, dressed in his C-Sec uniform, holding his green blanket. A familiar asari in some strange clothes stood in front of him, doing nothing but shaking her head.  
People were walking around them, but nobody paid attention. He could not make out faces; it seemed as if the whole crowd was just a medley of colors flowing around. It didn't bother him. He looked back at the asari. Her eyes were gone. That made her blue head look really ridiculous. He admired the strange phenomenon for a few seconds, then he threw the green blanket at her. It covered her whole body. As it fell down on the ground, the asari was gone. Instead of her, Jane stood there. He smiled.  
She was almost naked. The small towel which she held to herself was barely enough to cover her intimate parts. He counted seven bruises on her.  
She didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that she was standing in the middle of the Citadel, without any clothes on her.  
She just stared at him, waiting for something.  
The crowd suddenly slowed down around them and some people stopped to look at them. He glanced at a few of their faceless heads, then he stepped closer to Jane.  
"It's all right. I'll take care of it," he murmured to her.  
Then, he grabbed his pistol and shot her in the head.  
Her body quivered a bit, then streams of blood started to flow down on her face. They reached her shoulder, then she stepped forward and crumbled into his arms.  
He held her tight as she smiled up at him.  
"Brother…"  
"It's all right," he repeated and stroke her face gently with his fingers, smearing some of the blood around. "I'll take care of it."  
He lifted the pistol to his head and pulled the trigger._

John sat up gasping for breath and he almost fell out of his bed. He grabbed the edge of the night stand so he could feel something solid under his palm. His hands were shaking.

"John?!"

Jane almost tore his door out of its frame as she entered his room.  
John was so disoriented that he instantly jumped out of his bed because of her.

"W-What?!" shouted John, louder than he had intended to. He was breathing heavily.

"Why did you shout?!" Jane asked in a startled voice.

"Shout? M-Me?" he stuttered, still trying to assemble his thoughts.

"You!" Jane cried out and grabbed his hands. "I could hear you from my own room!"

John felt as if an electric shock had flown through his body.  
The pictures of his nightmare came to his mind in such a rush that he almost fell on his knees. He looked Jane in the eyes, then pulled her into his arms and buried his face into her hair.  
Jane stood there, speechless from the momentarily shock.

"It's all right," she said after long seconds of silence. "Just… tell me what's going on, please."

_It's all right.  
_Suddenly, John let go of her and stepped to his window. The lights weren't on in his room, but it wasn't dark because of the opened shutters. As he pushed his left arm against the glass, he looked back at Jane.  
She was wearing a short-sleeved, black nightgown that ended just above her knees. It made her look pale. Paler than usual.  
He turned back to the window and pressed his forehead against it.

"I… I had a… bad dream, I guess," he said. "I don't remember shouting. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"I wasn't sleeping," said Jane.

"You weren't?" asked John as he glanced at her. "How much time had passed since I left your room?"

"An… hour, I guess. I was… watching vids about dogs-"

"Dogs?"

"Yes, dogs. I like dogs. They are cute. What did you dream about?"

She stepped closer to him.  
John didn't want to hear that question. And he didn't want to answer it either.

"Did it have anything to do with me?" asked Jane.

_Why does she have to be so clever?  
She shouldn't even be standing here._

"Hey, look at me," Jane demanded.

He looked at her. He shouldn't have done so. He noticed the bruise on her hand again, as a result, the image of her naked dream version popped into his mind. The sight created a heavy ball in his stomach, though he was pooling every resource in his body together to appear relaxed.

"Yes, you… participated in it," he answered finally.

"I see," said Jane and she looked out the window. "We just can't stop shocking each other today, can we?"

"Yeah."

_Tell her to go away.  
Why does she have to be so beautiful in such a simple dress?_

"But… you're okay, right?" Jane asked. "I mean… physically."

"Yeah."

No, he wasn't. That goddamn stone in is stomach made him feel pretty uncomfortable.

"It'll be okay," said John. "You can go."

"I don't want to leave you like this," said Jane. "You look so… messed up."

_That's because of you. And the dream version of you that is fucking dead._

"I'm sorry," John mumbled, "I am aghast a little bit."

Jane placed her palm on his bare shoulder. Her hand was cold as ice. Or maybe his body was in a fever.  
He clenched his fist and looked back at the window.  
They stood in silence again for long seconds. Then, Jane walked to his wall console and started to push some buttons on it.

"What are you doing?" asked John and he frowned.

He could smell the scent of Jane's freshly washed hair even from two meters afar.  
It reminded him of cherries.

"I'm making a playlist of… relaxing music," answered Jane. "Because music helps me to relax. It might as well help you."

_This isn't getting any better._

"I don't think it'll help," said John in a pessimistic tone.

"Well, I don't have any better idea right now."

_Leave. That's a better idea.  
Or don't. That would be-_

He could feel his brain straining. The relief he felt when he saw her right after he woke up turned into nervousness. He wanted to walk out of the room, but gravity seemed to be chaining him to the window.

Suddenly, music filled the air. Some kind of quiet, slow beat he had never heard before.  
It was actually nice. Only, he wasn't in the mood to enjoy it.  
He looked at Jane again. She was leaning against the wall, gazing at him with a puzzled expression.

"Sometimes I can't really sleep either," she said. "So… give it an hour. Or you can tell me what's really bothering you. Would that help?"

_No. Definitely not._

"I don't know," said John. This time, his eyes lingered on Jane.

Silence. Then, Jane slowly walked back to him. She grabbed his hand and gently removed it from the window.

_What the hell does she want?_

He tried to read something out of her face, but he couldn't. The same, hesitant expression.  
He was forced to straighten up as she placed both of her hands on his shoulder.  
He felt as if his nerves were melting down.

_There isn't enough air in this room._

"Is there… something you need to tell me?" she asked, gazing into his eyes.

His brain slowly stopped working. He just had to do something. His head was throbbing like never before. The tension tearing him apart suddenly made him angry. Angry at himself. And…

_It's her fault. It's her fault for still being here._

"Yeah," he murmured. "There is."

John grabbed Jane's arms and pushed her against the window.  
She gasped and let go of his shoulders. Her eyes widened in suprise as she looked up at his face. He was one head taller than her, so he was practically towering above her.  
John expected to see fear in her eyes. He expected her to ask what he was doing.  
But he saw something different.  
_Wanting?_  
She didn't move, but he could feel her whole body trembling.  
He observed her flushed cheeks and slightly opened lips for a few seconds.

Then, he slowly grabbed her chin with his right hand and kissed her.

Jane kissed back and John's brain exploded. Their pulses suddenly hit the ceiling.

_This can't be happening._

Yet, it was happening.  
The sweet savour of Jane's lips filled his mouth.  
Blood rushed into his head, burning his skin from the inside.

It was a short, but passionate kiss. As it ended, the remains of his common sense charged him.

_You are clearly mad. She is your sister. Everyone knows it. You are ruining everything._

Her face was only a few inches away from his, thus he glared straight into her eyes.  
Eyes that were full with desire.  
A different voice entered his mind.

_She is not your sister…  
_Her body was still trembling.  
_She never was…  
_Her palms were suddenly on his chest.  
_She wants you…  
_His left hand grabbed her waist and pulled her even closer.  
_And you want her…  
_She was still there. She shouldn't have been.

His lust grew every second.  
Lust that had born in him years ago, but he never admitted it to himself. Lust, that had grown slowly, until it had become strong enough to torment him.  
Lust, that had created the emptiness in him.  
Lust, that was overwhelming his brain at that moment.

They already knew each other's soul.  
But not each other's body.

_Stop. Stop before it's not too late._

The music became slightly louder.

Jane grabbed the back of John's neck and pulled him back for another kiss.  
Common sense muted and only the lust remained.

John's tongue slowly found its way through Jane's tender, yet demanding lips, met its pair and played with it for a while. He let go of her chin, and slammed his palm on the window. It probably would have cracked if it hadn't been made of bulletproof glass.  
They stood there, tangled in each other for almost a minute.

_There's no turning back from here…_

Then, John grabbed Jane's thighs and pulled her up. She gasped again and hugged his neck to stay on him. He turned around and walked to his bed.  
She didn't resist.

A few seconds later Jane was laying on the green blanket with John over her.  
He placed his palms beside her shoulders and bent down to kiss her again.  
_Again… again… again…  
_Jane's hands were on his head already; she didn't want to let him go, not even for a second.  
John could feel Jane's right leg scouring his body. He lifted his right hand from the bed and started to run his fingers up and down her thigh.  
_More…_

He tore his lips away from hers, then moved down and kissed her neck. Then, he bote the spot he had kissed. She gasped and clenched on his shoulder.  
He wondered to the other side of her neck, constantly assaulting her skin.  
_Delicious.  
_After a dozen of kisses on her neck, his mouth slided down to her cleavage.  
Jane's implants flared up, creating a faint blue aura around her for a few seconds. It made John's body tingle.

Suddenly, she pushed him away and rolled over him.  
Jane sat on his hip and placed her palms on his chest to gain balance on top of him. She straightened her upper body and looked down on him.  
She gazed at him in a way she never did before.  
She never ran over his body with her fingers before, never admired the muscles on it before…  
As she leaned down to kiss him, he grabbed her buttocks. She bote his lower lip in return.  
She stopped kissing after a few seconds and crawled lower on him, scouring around his chest with her lips. John hissed.  
The waves of joy aroused him unbearably. He couldn't lie under Jane for long.

He gently pushed Jane away, then he sat up and grabbed her hips to keep her in his lap.  
His hands slipped under her black nightgown, then he grabbed it and slowly pulled it off her.  
The feeling of their naked bodies nuzzling together for the first time made every inch of their skin goosebumpy.  
_More…  
_John clasped Jane's waist with one hand and dag into her hair with the other. He bote her neck again and she moaned, then he kissed her again.  
He just couldn't get enough of her.  
_You're not even halfway…_

The music became faster.

John loosened his hold of Jane. She used the opportunity and slided her right palm down on his body until it ended up on his crotch. There, she slowly started to stroke…  
He groaned and let her do it, but he couldn't bear it for long. After a few seconds, he pushed her back on the blanket and climbed above her again.  
He had to pull together all of his remaining willpower in order to restrain himself and not to hammer her into the bed right away.  
_Even more…  
_He placed a quick kiss on her neck again, then he started to move down on her, leaving kisses all around her precious body.  
Using his tongue, he lingered on her breasts and her bellybutton for a bit longer, which she appreciated with quiet little moans.  
Eventually, he encountered the last remaining piece of cloth on Jane; her black panties.  
He rose up and removed it easily.

As it fell out of his hand, he stopped moving and looked down on her.  
_Holy crap.  
_She was so beautiful and desirable. So sweet, as she laid there, breathing heavily, her fingers clenching on the blanket.  
His blanket.  
He slowly crawled back on her. As his face got in line with Jane's, she let go of the blanket and placed her palms on his neck. For a brief moment, they gazed into each other's piercing eyes.

_Stop right now. Get up and leave._

_No.  
_He couldn't.  
Her body was begging him with every muscle to continue and his own body was very much willing to do so. Her hands slided down along his back. She stopped at his hip for a second, then her fingers wondered under his slacks.  
_MORE.  
_John tore his own pants off before Jane could even blink, then leaned back on her and placed his left hand beside her to bear his own weight.  
He kissed her once again and gripped her thigh hard with his right hand, digging into her burning flesh.

A faint scream left her lips as he pierced in.  
All amongst the whirl of pleasures that clouded his brain, he looked up and gazed right into her huge green eyes. He saw two barely noticeable tears flowing down on her face towards the blanket. He didn't really have time to apprehend what he saw because her knees already closed on his hips.  
He started to move, gently at first.  
As their bodies joined in rhythm, he kissed her a few times wherever he could reach her neck or lips that moment. She gasped and moaned and her nails dag into his back so deep it hurt.  
He moved harder in return.  
_Unbearable…_

Minutes passed, but he lost his sense of time. He only felt Jane, he only heard Jane and he only cared about Jane.  
_All her tiny motions.  
Her luscious moans.  
Their bodies straining against each other.  
_Whenever his moves became rougher, her nails left red marks on his skin. If he slowed down for a bit, her mouth immediately found his mouth. They bote each other's lips so hard it almost drew blood.  
_Painful… yet pleasurable._

Soon, Jane's body started to squirm and she tilted her head back. The tension building up in John made him groan.  
She screamed. He grabbed her bum with his right hand and moved as hard as he could.  
She screamed again and he could feel all of her muscles judder under him. He slowed down for a moment, then he moved quicker again.  
She bote his shoulder and he hissed.

His muscles slackened after he came. Their movement slowly ceased and he laid his forehead on Jane's shoulder.  
The music stopped.  
They laid there, glued to each other for at least a minute, panting and shaking.

Finally, John rolled off Jane, and after a half-successful attempt to drag the blanket on themselves, he just crumbled on the sheet and closed his eyes.  
He didn't want to think about anything.

_Brother. Sister.  
Gone._

His mind gave up and he slowly fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 5 - Too much silence

**„…This will never happen to us, right?"**

_The pool of blood grew around them. Her eyes were still open. The bullet in his head bothered him a bit.  
"Brother…"  
"It's all right."  
"Don't… let go of me…"  
"I won't. I won't."  
Her body was so cold.  
Silence.  
Too much silence._

* * *

John Shepard opened his eyes.  
His room was quiet. Nothing moved. Not even he. The fact that he was laying naked in his bed disturbed him.  
_Maybe it was just a dream. A hallucination. A good one.  
_He wasn't sure. His brain wasn't willing to remember.  
_Turn your head to the right. You'll get the answer.  
_He didn't want to turn his head anywhere. It was so comforting to lay there in happy ignorance. At the same time, he was dying to see what was next to him under the blanket.  
_Look already.  
_He slowly turned his head to the right.

Jane. Dear, sweet stepsister.  
_Fucking hell._

His stomach shrank and his head started to hurt. Existing suddenly became a burden. He felt as if he had murdered someone. Or rather something; his relative peace of mind.  
_Have you ever had such a thing?  
_He used to have that. At least the illusion of it.

As much as he had wanted to stay in his bed a few seconds earlier, he wanted to get out of it much more at that moment. He sat up.  
Jane was sleeping. She just laid there, hugging his blanket, facing him.  
_She fell asleep like that?  
_He stared at her, and his chest slowly became heavy.  
_You thought it would be better?  
_He was sure of only two things; that he had helplessly fallen in love with Jane, and that he was completely screwed.

In fact, he was a goddamn mazochist.  
_All because your father married her mother and she took his name…  
_He didn't even want to think about the possible consequences of what they had done.

His eyes wandered from her face to her body. He spotted a small bruise on her neck. It felt as if someone punched him in the belly.  
_If there is a hell, you are definitely going there.  
_He clenched his teeth. Another bruise on her body, one that he had given her. The smallest of the three, but the hardest to forget.

He just needed to get away. Escape his room, and…  
_And what?  
_Jump out of the window.  
_That would be a spectacular death indeed.  
_No. Not an option. That would cause a lot of problems for Jane.  
_Well, not for you…  
_He slowly climbed out of the bed, careful not to wake Jane.  
He had to do something. Anything. Whatever was capable of making him forget what he had done and what he felt.

_Alcohol. Lots of alcohol. That will do.  
_He looked at his clock. He still had around fourteen hours until work.  
_Good.  
_He quickly grabbed some clothes and went outside his room to dress up.

* * *

Jane opened her eyes. She slowly blinked a few times.  
John was gone.  
Of course he was.  
She turned towards the door. It was opened.  
Of course it was. No one closed it since she had come in here, and their doors weren't set to open or close automatically. That would have been surely annoying.  
She heard the entrance door close behind someone.  
_John. Dammit._

A shudder passed over her as she remembered what happened not long ago. She couldn't help but smile.  
It might have been wrong. Wrong and twisted. But she had actually enjoyed sex at last.  
_With your stepbrother…  
_Her smile slowly faded. She rolled on her other side and hugged herself.  
What future did their relationship have? She was not simply John's stepsister anymore.  
_And you'll never ever be again…_

What were they? What could they be?  
_You have no idea…  
_She bote her lips and started to run her fingers along the blanket.

* * *

_She is twenty.  
They are both sitting downstairs, drinking tupari and having snacks. One of the rare occasions they are enjoying junk food.  
"Tilda freaked out," Jane says. "It took half an hour for the three of us to convince her to come out of the bathroom…"  
"I can imagine that if your own twin brother hits you… that's bound to hurt. I mean, not just literally," John replies.  
"I just can't believe him… at least he moved out later that day. Though… that won't make it easier for Tilda, or her family."  
"It probably won't end just like that," John sighs. "That would be too easy."  
She gazes at him with a strange expression. John knits his brows.  
"What is it?" he asks.  
"I just… this will never happen to us, right?"  
"What?" John grunts, "I'd never lay a hand on you Jane!"  
"Nooo, not that!" she exclaims. "I mean that… that we'll never come to hate each other."  
"Why would we?" he asks, looking concerned.  
"Well… lots of things can happen, right?"  
"Sure, everyone has conflicts here and there, but why would that necessarily lead to hatred?"  
"It can… but… nah, it won't happen."  
John seems to be bemused a bit.  
"Uh… sorry," Jane says. "Did I say something…?"  
He blinks and quickly shakes his head.  
"No, I was just…" He stops for a bit, then sighs. "I think we'll get along just fine," he says and rubs her hair. "And if I'll happen to become a jerk one day, you have my permission to kick my ass."  
She chuckles.  
"Okay, I'll remember that…"_

* * *

Jane was afraid. She suddenly feared the future as never before.  
_What were you thinking, eh?...  
_She just didn't want to accept the truth that was rapidly conquering her brain.  
The truth, that they could not just simply become lovers or whatever. The fact that her life was doomed to become messed up very shortly.  
_You like it messed up, don't you?  
_She buried her face into the pillow.  
_No. Not this messed up._

She didn't know how long she laid there like that. Minutes? Half an hour?  
Eventually, she got up. She looked around her room for her nightdress, but she could not see it and she wasn't in the mood to start crawling around on the floor to find it. Instead, she grabbed John's towel from his chair, wrapped it around herself and walked out of the room.

Complete silence. Nothing but her own breathing.  
Jane felt alone.

She walked down to the first level, unconsciously hoping that she might find someone there. She only found glasses. She stood in the middle of the kitchen for five minutes before she finally managed to collect her thoughts.  
_John. He is probably out there, blaming and hating himself for whatever reasons he invented. He's going to do something stupid. He used to do stupid things whenever he had… problems. Though, that was twelve years ago.  
_She wondered if it would do any good if she'd go after him. Could she even find him? She pressed her lips into a thin line and stared at the group of glasses on the corner counter.  
She was angry.  
_Why does John have to be so damn hasty?_

"Damn it!" she shouted. Her implants flared up and she let off a throw.

The group of glasses in the corner exploded. Shards were flying in every available direction. She buried her face into her palms. She has to find him.  
_What are you going to tell him?  
_She had no idea.  
_You'll tell him that you love him? Or that you two just have to forget everything and continue your lives as if nothing happened?  
_She didn't even know what she really felt.  
_You love him. You loved him for years now. You just never admitted it to yourself.  
_The truth did not help her in any way.

She stood in the kitchen for another five minutes before she finally ran up to her room to get dressed.  
_You'll figure out what to do when you find him.  
Or you won't._

She looked into her mirror for a second before grabbing some clothes.  
The bruise on her neck immediately caught her attention.  
_That will show.  
_She closed her eyes for a second. The memory of how she had gotten it caused some kind of strange joy deep in her belly.

_His warm breath on her shoulder. She can feel all of his muscles straining as she runs her fingers around his body. His hips are pushing against hers. He is so strong. Intimidatingly dominant, compared to herself. She feels so happily helpless under him, letting him conquer her body inch by inch. She knows that he's still holding back.  
Then, she can feel his teeth on her neck. The pleasure of it washes away the small pain. She realizes that she needs him more than anything else she ever needed. She needs him so bad that she'd let him do anything he wants.  
She wants him to do whatever he wants. _

She opened her eyes and realized that she was leaning against the mirror.  
_Getting lost in memories, huh?  
_She tried to forget the images that just popped into her mind and looked at the bruise again.  
_Cover that with something or everyone will know what you've been doing._

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, she stepped out of the apartment building in her black ankle boots, black, leather-like trousers and a long-sleeved, dark blue top that had a zip on its left side. It covered her neck as well.  
She froze as she saw others walking around on the street.  
_What's your problem…?  
_She felt uncomfortable. A turian gazed at her as he passed by. She glanced at him and clenched her teeth. She didn't want anyone to look at her. The sounds of the street suddenly annoyed her. There was nothing unusual in her appearance, yet she felt as if she was different. Just like an outcast. As if people knew what she had done.  
_You are starting to become paranoid.  
Not good.  
_She knew she was overreacting, but she couldn't help it.  
_Just get moving already._

She took a deep breath and started walking in the only direction she thought John could be.  
Not at any of his friends. He'll either be on the streets, in which case she didn't have any chance to find him. But if he had gone to the Dark Star…


	7. Chapter 6 - A Blind Alley

**„I'm doing some extraordinary things today."**

The upper level of the Dark Star nightclub was less crowded than usual. The music and the lights were more moderate as well.  
John Shepard didn't really care about either.  
He was sitting in one of the quieter corners, on a small, violet-colored sofa. His cigarette was already half-burnt, but his glass was full. The third round of a strange, green liquor that night. He planned to have at least three more.  
_That should be enough to faint on the table._

"Sooo, you come here often?" asked the asari who was sitting next to him.

John lifted his cigarette to his mouth before answering.

"Nope."

_Why is it always an asari?  
_He was starting to suspect that there was some kind of asari conspiracy that involved messing around specifically with him.

"Then, this must be a special occasion, right?" she asked and smiled at him.

"Yeah. It is indeed." He grinned and drank a mouthful of liquor.

"Celebrating something?"

_More like mourning._

"You could say that."

"Good," the asari winked at him. "What's that you're drinking by the way?"

"This?" he asked and lifted the glass up. "I have no idea, really. It tastes like shit, but at least it kicks like a horse. It's only good to get drunk."

He looked straight into the asari's face. Her expression kind of signaled that she was starting to understand the situation.

"What are you waiting for?" he asked, then pointed at the stairs with his head.

The asari pursed her lips, then she slowly stood up.

"Stupid arrogant humans," she said and walked away.

_Finally.  
_He sighed, then leaned back and tiffed from his liquor again. He nearly spat the whole thing out the next second.  
_This can't be.  
_Jane was standing next to the stairs, looking around.  
_She's going to see you.  
_By the time he could have jumped under the table or something, she was already staring at him.  
He simply stared back. He wasn't actually concerned about the situation, he just didn't want to see her at that moment.  
_Or do you…?  
_He wondered if Jane came to the club for the same reason as he had.  
_No, she's not that type.  
_The momentarily shock on her face was kind of telling.  
_You know exactly why she came here.  
_He realized that he still had the cigarette in his hand, so he smoked it, then looked at the wall.  
_How did she know where to come?  
_He leaned on the table and sipped his drink again.  
_Whatever._

Jane started to walk towards him. A turian, whose hand she scoured, turned after her.

"Heyyy sweetheart."

She didn't even realize that someone spoke to her.  
It took only a few seconds to reach John's table, but it felt like a year for her. All the thoughts that had troubled her five minutes ago simply vanished. Her mind was a blank paper, except for four words:  
_This won't be good._

John was observing the table.

"Hello," he casually said.

Jane didn't know what to say or do, so she just slowly leaned against the table, keeping a little bit of a distance from John.  
_This was a huge mistake.  
_She could feel her heart jumping into her throat. It was strange for her to look at John. It was nothing like it had been before. She was unable to get rid of the fresh memories that came to her mind whenever she glanced at him.  
_You might be his stepsister on paper, but…  
_She just didn't know anymore how to speak with him. _  
If at least there weren't any other people around.  
_She opened her mouth, then closed it. John didn't seem to pay attention to her struggle.  
_Good. It would be no better if he was.  
_She took a deep breath and looked at the smouldering cigarette.

"You don't normally smoke," she said. Her voice was anything but calm.

John felt a strong urge to reply something like "I don't normally get in bed with my relatives either". Instead, he smoked the cigarette again and glanced up at Jane.

"Yeah," he nodded finally. "I'm doing some extraordinary things today."

Jane stared at him unbelievingly.  
_Is this a joke?  
_John seemed to be so calm and neglectful. That would have been normal, if…  
_If._

"You are drunk."

"Your observing capabilities are truly excellent," John scoffed. "I am indeed drunk."

Jane's fist clenched as she turned her head away.  
_This is pointless.  
_She wasn't used to this kind of behaviour from John. She had the feeling that she could talk to him all she wanted, he'd just stay passive.  
She glanced at John again, but she immediately regretted it. John was observing her with a steady stare, as if he was waiting for something to happen. A cold shiver climbed up on her spine.

"You're not feeling well?" John asked. His tone was just a tiny bit scornful.

Jane would have been angry if she wasn't scared instead.

"I… I… I just came here…," she stammered, "to tell you that…"

_WHAT._

"…That you shouldn't… blame… or hate yourself—"

John slammed his nearly empty glass on the table. The sudden movement gave Jane a start. She gazed at him with bewildered eyes.

"You always figure out everything, huh?" he asked calmly and leaned closer to Jane. "Listen then; I will hate myself whenever the fuck I want. You don't have to be concerned about it."

Jane pressed her lips into a thin line. She closed her eyes, trying not to start some kind of ridiculously hysterical scene. She really wanted to bring John's attention to the fact that alcohol makes him an insensitive jerk._  
Though it might be just worse if he was sensitive in any way._

When she opened her eyes after long seconds of silence, she just wanted to get out as quickly as possible.

"Just… " She was trying desperately to control the quaver in her voice. "I just want to see you tomorrow in one piece… okay?"

John didn't react anything, but Jane caught a glimpse of his straining facial muscles.

"I'll just… leave you alone now, if you wish… "

_Damn.  
_John felt miserable. In fact, he was on the rack every second because of Jane's presence. He just wanted to sit alone and drink as long as he beared the ability of lifting a glass to his mouth. But at the same time, the mazochist in him – combined with alcohol - demanded Jane's presence. He didn't want her to just walk away.  
_Punish her for coming here. For causing a shitstorm in your brain again._

"Don't go anywhere," he said.

Jane had already straightened up, ready to walk away, but she froze. Her subconscious immediately started to scream at her.  
_Go away. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.  
_She stood there, looking at John, waiting for whatever he wanted to say.  
_GO AWAY._

John glanced around to check if anyone was looking at them. Lucky for him, no one paid attention to the dark corner he had chosen specifically because of its isolation.  
He turned back to Jane. He put his cigarette and drink down, calmly staring at her meanwhile.  
Then, he grabbed her right hand with a quick move and pulled her to himself.  
Jane gasped. She lost her balance and was forced to catch John's shoulder. She couldn't right herself up thereafter, because John grabbed her hips with both hands and pulled her onto himself.

There she was, practically sitting in John's lap, her knees buried into the mushy violet seat, her hands still resting on his shoulders. With her face only a few inches away from his face, she could smell the combined scent of alcohol and tobacco on him. His sight was veiled from drunkenness as he gazed into her frightened eyes.

She never ever imagined she'd have to deal with him like this. She just wanted to get up and run away.  
_Anywhere but here.  
_Yet, as she was sitting there, tied to him, something paralized her.  
_The joy of feeling his hands on you… ?_

John sighed. He slowly moved his right hand from her hip, ran his fingers up her bust and placed his index and middle finger on her rosy lips.

"Why the trembling?" he asked quietly.

She didn't even realize she was trembling.  
_Is it just that? Longing for physical contact with him?_

"You wanted this, didn't you?" he continued. "You're still here. That must mean that you like what I'm doing."

Her breathing became slightly erratic.  
_You like what he's doing._

"So, you don't regret anything, do you?" he asked, though it rather sounded as a statement. He slowly moved his hand, placing his whole palm on the side of her jaw, slightly pressing his thumb against her lips.

Jane flushed. She felt that undescribeable joy again, climbing up from her belly to her stomach.  
_You need him.  
_She felt shame. Shame for taking part in – or what's more, enjoying - the situation.

John slightly tilted his head to the right and observed her face for a few seconds like that. Then, he leaned even closer to her, leaving no more space between their faces than what was enough to be able to look her in the eyes.

"You're a wicked little girl, are you not?" he asked, a faint smirk replacing his calm pokerface. "You'd do it again, hmm?"

The thumb on her lips pressed stronger. She wanted to tear her eyes away from his face, but she could not.  
_He can't be serious._

"So you just march into this club and come to me," John continued, stressing every single word, "not caring at all that I might regret what… I did."

_What HE did?_

"Or you… think, that… I'd want… this… you… "

John ran out of words and closed his mouth. His face suddenly changed. The smirk on it disappeared as he clenched his teeth. His eyes…

_Is that pain? Or lust?  
Both?  
_Jane stopped breathing as she gazed into John's eyes. His thumb slowly joined his other fingers on the side of her jaw, leaving nothing between their lips but a thin layer of air. She felt as if her head was on fire; every thought that crossed her mind just added to the heat.

_You… want… to… kiss…_  
She suddenly felt his other hand on her hip, holding her tight, his fingers digging into her flesh.  
_Closer…  
_Neither of them moved._  
Do you really want to… ?  
_His hand quivered once, as if he wanted to do something with it, but changed his mind in the end.  
_Air… air…  
Who needs air…_

Her lips barely touched his lips for a short second.

_This is just pure torture._

She realized that she just couldn't do it. Every muscle in her body wanted to, but she couldn't.  
_Not like this. Not here.  
It's pointless anyway._

Something tore her out of the red cloud that had caught her long seconds ago.  
_Reality.  
_Pain and disappointment replaced the strange joy in her stomach. She felt the need to breath again.

John's mind was empty. What emptied it; he did not know. It might have been the alcohol, or fatigue, or both… or neither. The only thing he concentrated on was Jane in his arms.  
And the lust that was urging him to do something.  
_Madness…  
_The guilt kept him from deciding what to do. Instead, he just stared at her, waiting for something to happen.  
_Anything._

Something finally happened. Jane's lips quivered and one single tear left each of her eyes.

_Two barely noticeable tears flowing down on her face towards the blanket…_

No.

No no no.

He let go of Jane and leaned back a bit. Jane finally breathed and let go of John's shoulders. She placed her right hand on her mouth, trying to hold her other tears back.

"Go," John said. "Just… please."

Jane gazed at him for a few seconds, then she stood up without uttering a single word and walked away.

John sat on the violet colored sofa for long minutes. When he got tired of staring at his almost empty glass, he stood up, paid, then left the club.

* * *

The sound of glass pieces being tossed around greeted him when he stepped into the apartment. He slowly walked towards the stairs, so when he reached the kitchen, he saw Jane. She was kneeling on the kitchen floor, collecting the pieces of something she had probably broken not long ago.  
_The casualties of today's events.  
Could have been worse._

She didn't stop or look up when he stared at her.  
_Probably to cover her red, cried-out eyes.  
_He couldn't bear the sight of her for long, so he turned away and proceeded upstairs.

He didn't know how he had gotten into his room, but he was standing there all at once. He closed the door and looked at his window. The shutters were still apart, letting in the lights of the street.  
_That's just great.  
_He dragged himself to the wall console and hit the button he needed. The shutters closed, and once again, he was embraced by the comforting darkness of his room.  
_Now that's much better.  
_The next second, he fell on his knees and pushed his head against the cold glass. The feeling of something solid next to him comforted him somewhat, so he placed both of his hands on it as well.

_Jane pinned against the window. His lips glued to hers. Her arms are so cold under his hands as he's holding her. The sweet scent of cherry pours into his nose. It's so damn overwhelming. For a moment, he wonders if he should stop. It might be a terrible mistake to continue.  
She returns the kiss. The doubt simply vanishes from his mind._

His hands fell off the glass. He wanted the memories to go away, disappear and never bother him again. But no matter how hard he – or the remaining alcohol in him – tried to throw them out, they persisted, just as if someone had burnt them into his mind.  
He felt as if he had walked into a blind alley. There were walls around everywhere, and the only remaining way out was slowly getting sealed as well.  
And he wasn't quick enough to leave before it got sealed.

He closed his eyes.

For the first time in ten years, tears were flowing down on his face.

* * *

**Author's note to readers who care:**  
Next chapter will be up in July. I have to concentrate on my ********* exams for a while now. : (


	8. Chapter 7 - Encounters

**"You behave like this with everyone, or is it just Spectres?"**

_Stop trying. It'll only get worse._

John slapped some ice cold water on his face one last time. He was wondering if it was the hangover that caused the pain he felt in his head, or the lack of sleep.  
In fact, it didn't really matter. He slowly raised his head and looked into the mirror, prepared for the worst. He was pleasantly suprised; his face didn't look like shit after all. Maybe mildly tired, but nothing serious.

He still had two hours left, but he decided to leave anyway. Not that he longed after his office so much, but he didn't have any better idea. He had already looked fixedly at the wall for an hour, sat in the kitchen for another and stood under the shower for at least twenty minutes. He certainly didn't want to stay at home any longer.  
He quickly wiped the water off his face with a small towel. He tried not to keep his eyes closed for more than a few seconds; constantly looking at things somehow kept his brain from digging up unwanted thoughts. That way he was able to enjoy the quiet emptiness at last.  
He walked into his room and opened the wardrobe to find the last set of clean uniform.

He got dressed in five minutes, then he went to the kitchen and took some painkillers. He opened the fridge out of habit, but closed it after a moment of looking at the food inside it.

_The painkiller will be just enough…_

* * *

Fifteen minutes later he was inside the C-Sec building of Zakera Ward. On his way to his office, he encountered one of his colleagues.

"Shepard?" Threcia stopped. Her light blue eyes were particularly rigid, even among turians. "What are you doing here?"

"Doing some extra work so it might not pile up like last month," John answered without slowing down. He walked past the corner and saw his door. The small green light on the right side of it indicated that it was opened.  
It should have been closed.

"Hey, wait," Threcia said as she turned after him.

"What is it?" John asked, but instead of stopping, he marched to his office.

_Why is the door opened?_

He was sure that he had closed it yesterday before leaving.

"If you could just stop for a minute, I'd-"

"Did you see someone going into my office?" John asked before Threcia could have had a chance to finish the sentence. He didn't hear an answer, so he looked at the turian. She was standing a few meters away, looking at him, seemingly concerned about something.

"Yes, there's a… Spectre inside," she answered after a short period of awkward silence.

It took a few seconds for John to process the information.

"He didn't tell me much, some kind of council business-"

John pushed the button next to the green light and the door opened.  
Inside, there was a turian sitting at his desk.

"What the hell are you doing?" John asked, immediately after he stepped in. The tone of his voice was very unfriendly.

The turian looked up at him as if nothing really happened. They glared at each other silently for a while before the turian slowly stood up.

"Shepard," he nodded, "Nice to meet you too."

John opened his mouth to say something rude again, but Threcia showed up behind him.

"I'm sorry Sir," she said quickly, "I had no idea he'd show up this early."

John glanced at Threcia edgily.

_What the hell._

"It's okay," the Spectre said, "I'll have to deal with him sooner or later anyway. You can go."

"Deal with me?" John asked as he raised his eyebrows.

Threcia looked at both of them, then she left without a word. John closed the door, then looked back at the Spectre. They continued their staring contest for a while longer. At least he had time to take a closer look.  
The turian wore a black and red armor. His head was dark brown, decorated by white markings and his eyes were light green. Aside from these features, John couldn't really remark anything else about him.

_Turians are so damn alike.  
Just like the asari.  
Or salarians.  
Weird._

"You behave like this with everyone, or is it just Spectres?" The turian broke the silence.

John's mouth twitched.

"I've never met a Spectre before, if you're interested," he answered.

_And this is a particularly bad day._

"I see," the turian said. "Then I won't take it as a personal offense."

_That's wonderful news._

"I still don't know what you're doing in my office."

They stood in silence for another five seconds.

"Okay Shepard," the Spectre sighed, "I guess I'll have to give you an explanation sooner than I have planned to."

"Yeah, you should." John crossed his arms, awaiting the explanation.

_As if it's important.  
Is anything important anymore?_

He clenched his teeth and tried to concentrate on the Spectre.

"My name is Nihlus Kryik," the turian introduced himself, taking a few small steps towards John. "I am a Council Spectre, as you already know. I trust you know enough about Spectres."

John slowly nodded.

"Great, " Nihlus continued. "I am in your office because one of my ongoing investigations have something to do with that VI you shut down yesterday. I need the report."

John raised his eyebrows again.

"That's all?" he asked.

Nihlus's eyes narrowed a bit.

"I mean, you are a Spectre," John explained, "and you have to sneak into my office for a task report? You could have just asked for it. I'd be forced to give it to you anyway, since you have the authority to have it, right?"

The turian didn't answer immediately.

"It's more than just that report, isn't it?"

"You know I don't have to answer your question, right?" Nihlus asked.

John shrugged.

"Take the report then. We don't have to waste each other's time, right?"

Nihlus glared at him in a way that John thought he had finally managed to piss him off.

_Great. The wrath of a Spectre._

But instead of delivering a speech about humans not respecting the chain of command, Nihlus started to laugh. John's jaw nearly dropped.

"I like your attitude Shepard," the turian said after a few seconds, "even though it's really impolite."

John didn't react anything.

_At least he's in a good mood._

Nihlus stopped laughing as suddenly as he had started.

"In fact, I intend to answer," he said, "though I wanted to wait with this until I know more."

"Spectres work alone, don't they?" John asked. "Why would you tell me anything about your investigation at all?"

"Because sometimes I work with others, and this case seems to be connected to you," Nihlus answered.

Altough the painkiller had already kicked in long ago, another headache attacked John.

"Could you be more specific?" he asked, pushing his right palm against the nape of his neck.

"Look Shepard, I don't have much time right now, "Nihlus said, "I'll have to be at a meeting in twenty minutes. I just came here for the report, but since you showed up…"

The turian stopped and looked at the wall. He appeared to be hesitating.

"I'm listening," John urged him.

_To hell with this already._

"Do you remember that derelict ship you found years ago?" Nihlus suddenly asked. "The one with the heavily sealed crates."

"Before I quit the Alliance?"

"Exactly."

"Of course I remember it," John nodded, "sometimes I still wonder what the hell was that about."

"If everything goes according to plan, I'll know more about that ship in a few days," Nihlus said. "For now, I only know that the incident you dealt with yesterday and that ship you found years ago are connected somehow."

"That… sounds like simple speculation," John said. "I mean, I can hardly imagine that those cases are connected in any way."

"I told you that I don't have enough information yet," Nihlus said, "but since you are already involved, you could do me a favor."

"That depends."

"I just want you to recollect anything you can about that derelict ship. Whatever you remember. Maybe ask your father if he heard anything strange."

"You've read my whole profile?" John asked.

"I looked through your records, yes," Nihlus answered. "I had to make sure you are… reliable. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go."

"Don't forget the report."

"I already have it," Nihlus said. He walked towards the door, but he stopped next to John. "Needless to say, don't talk about this to anyone. I"ll send you a message… probably tomorrow. And... watch out, Shepard. Someone might be observing you."

"Great," John muttered. He glanced at the turian, waiting for him to leave.

Nihlus slowly nodded, then he opened the door and left the office.  
John turned around and closed the door. Then, he just stood there for a while without actually thinking about anything.

"Shit," he said after a few minutes. He walked behind his desk and looked at his terminal. His report logs were still on screen.

He sat down on his chair and buried his face into his palms.

_This day just got a lot better._

* * *

"Well, well, if it isn't Shepard."

Jane looked up. It took a few seconds for her to recognize the turian who stood in front of her at the public transport station.

"Hello," she said, turning her head away immediately. She did not wish to start a conversation with the turian who was responsible for the pretty bruises on her body.

"Don't be rude, Shepard," the turian said.

Jane sighed, then she turned back.

"I don't know what you want Sidonis," she said, "but we no longer have any business with each other."

Sidonis slowly shook his head.

"Is it forbidden for turians to greet you?" He asked scornfully.

"It's not me who has a problem with other species," Jane replied, crossing her arms in front of herself.

Sidonis's eyes narrowed as he leaned closer to Jane. He silently glared at her for a few seconds.

"You seem to be a bit stressed out, Shepard," he said with a strange, smile-kind-of-thing on his face.

_Great. You forgot to conceal the dark circles around your eyes._

Jane turned her head away again, looking instead at a clothes shop nearby.

"Good," Sidonis whispered, "you should be on the edge."

Jane closed her eyes. When she opened them again, Sidonis was already walking away from her. She was happy to get rid of him, but at the same time, she was worried a bit. She had a feeling that she'll meet him again in the near future.

And definitely under unpleasant circumstances.


End file.
